The oyster and the pearl

We all recognise the value and necessity of good self esteem. We all can see how low self worth can stop us believing, acting and changing. Beliefs about 'I can't' or 'I won't be able to' are mental shackles that bind us to the present limitations and close off possibility and the future. Lack of self worth can lead to illness, tiredness and always thinking the worst of ourselves. In this post we will look  at self worth and ask what it consists of and how we can focus it on. We will offer some thoughts. We know that not all will agree. That's fine. This is an area where we need dialogue and exchange. We don't claim to hold absolute answers but hope there is something of value in what we write.  

We will take as our starting point the words of the Sufi writer, Rumi, "What strikes the oyster shell does not damage the pearl". This is a deep and wise saying. What does it means? The oyster is our surface life. This means our likes and dislikes, our emotions, body, mind and preferences. It also could include what we connect with externally and our possessions. These are part and parcel of our life. They are important and need to be nurtured and nourished. Yet Rumi tells us there is something else. There is a pearl. In history people have called this by different names: the real or true self, the soul, the deep or intuitive mind,the spirit, the heart and many more. It refers to that central essence of us that might call our life or being. There is in us a deep source and this is the place where our deepest gifts and existence seem to rise from. Rumi's message is that while the oyster may be struck by illness, pain, self doubt or life experience the inner essence remains. The pearl shines and remains unharmed. To us this offers a wonderful picture of authentic self worth.

The outer may change. We may even sadly lose some things we love and depend on. Our feelings may go up and down but the centre of our being which is life, wonder and creativity remains. Self worth then is all about celebrating the oyster and holding it but fundamentally more. It is a call to see and value the pearl. The strength of this position is that it means our self worth is not based on what we do or who we know but on who and what we are. It also means that we are all amazing wonderful beings born of a universe which is too marvellous to fathom . Werner Heisenberg, the Nobel Prize winner for physics notes, "Not only is the universe stranger than we think, it is stranger than we can think." It's sometimes the case that wonderful people can't see their wonder. Instead an illusion of low self worth lives and moves in their minds. This is a real conundrum. It may be explained by negative conditioning and experiences. The difficulty is in how the good comments and reflections of friends and loved ones seem to bounce off. Perhaps this shows how the deep the lack of self worth is. It may also reflect something else. We may be looking in the wrong place for self worth. Focusing on the oyster for our self worth rather than the pearl. If we focus on the passing and temporary we may soon get disappointed. For example if we focus on feelings we may end up on a sea saw - one day feeling good and the next not. If our self worth is based on money or fame what happens if we don't have them or lose them? Our self worth will disappear too. If we base it on the oyster shell we may end up with a self worth that either isn't there or can easily disappear. If we focus on the pearl we may find we have a centre for self worth and self well-being based on being itself - who we are in the depths.

The famous existentialist philosopher Jean Paul Sartre spoke about being, having and doing. We would see being as the base of self worth and having and doing as its handmaids. The error in our opinion is that often make having and doing the base and foundation rather than the pure expressions they are mean't to be. Having and doing won't provide deep self worth. They will support it and express it. So being - our centre and life is the principle of real self worth.

We realise we are walking into philosophical territory here so perhaps a story might help our words. The story is a real one and is about a man called Peter. Peter suffered from chronic lack of self worth. He doubted himself and saw himself deep down as useless, worthless and less than all. He held a series of beliefs that confirmed this for him. When things went wrong he would beat himself up mercilessly. Peter was a man of great kindness and compassion but not to himself. When things went good and people said nice things he always batted them away, never accepting the compliment. It's a sad story. Peter today is a person who values his self worth. His friends and colleagues would never think the above description was ever him. And in a sense it wasn't. For Peter's discovery of his worth and glory has remade him into a new person. What supported Peter on this journey was to become aware of the pearl. He knew that his self esteem could not depend fundamentally on money, status, success or feelings. He saw over a period that deep down he was amazing and good. And not only him but everyone was the same. That was really good transforming news. When people say to him 'You're amazing Peter!' He now says, 'Thank you. We all are amazing  - it's just that we don't see it' Peter built his self worth on the pearl not the shell. This building led him to value and appreciate the shell in new and fresh ways.

We should focus on the visible and external aspects of life as well as the inner centre. The question is how we can live on the surface from the depths of our being. Often we live on the surface from the surface. It is the depths  - the deep - where we find the creativity, energies and potency that can make all things new. Peter found it. We hope we all can.

John Walsh. Support Manager. York Street Health Practice 

Louise Goodyear. Student Nurse. Wolverhampton University