The power of forgiveness

This post is about the F word. 

It's about a word we struggle to use. It's about forgiveness. It's a strange thing that we probably find it hard to advise someone to forgive another. We may find it an affront if someone suggests we should forgive someone who has hurt us too. In this writing we will try to look at what forgiveness is and isn't, why we need it and how to take a first step towards it. Like everything we have written and hopefully will write we offer this as a possible way to healthier and happier workplaces and everyday life.

Forgiveness often brings out our defenses. 'Why should we?', 'He started it' and 'After what she's done - you must be joking.' It might be best to start with what forgiveness is not. It is not saying that bad is good. It's not saying that negative and hurtful things said and done to us are acceptable. Forgiveness isn't agreement with wrong doing. Neither is an agreement to meet with or associate with those who have hurt us. It might well be best that they are not in our life. Lastly forgiveness is not a weak option - something for the timid and those lacking in backbone.

Forgiveness is letting go of whatever is hurting us. It is a process of not holding onto what has struck us. It takes real strength to do this and brings real freedom. Mahatma Gandhi helped change the world. He also had to deal with ongoing conflict. He reflected that 'The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.'

Forgiveness has nothing to do with offering an alibi for wrong doing but everything to do with keeping our own hearts and minds free of what can only poison them. Anger, bitterness, harshness and revenge are the children of a unforgiving spirit. A refusal to forgive and really let go can lead to or exacerbate physical and psychological problems. Forgiving is good for us. It's not surprising that Dr Frederic Luskin, Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project entitled his book 'Forgive For Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness.'

One of York Street's client's was someone who was a victim of tremendous violence. It marked his life and outlook. Through a series of people, experiences and his own choices he moved more and more into recovery and healing. After a meeting with one day, the client informed his worker that he had made a deep but clear decision. He had decided to forgive those who had hurt him so much. This didn't mean that what they had done was right or that he wanted contact with the people concerned. Rather he had let go of the hurt and anger. He compared it to carrying nettles. He couldn't and wouldn't put the stinging nettles down but they cut his hands. That day this man got his freedom and he has kept it up to this day. He put the nettles down. That's what real forgiveness gives - it gives authentic liberation. When we can do this we cease to be victims. The events and people who have had such an awful power over us no longer do so.

  

There is a real need to forgive ourselves. We all fail and some of us even do things we are ashamed of. The answer is not to be full of guilt and to 'beat ourselves up' continually. We have to honestly own our failures and issues. We also have to let go of them. This should also teach us not to be too judgmental of others. As the writer G. K. Chesterton put it, ' We are all in the same boat and we are all seasick.' Seeing our own failings should make us less likely to throw stones at others. Forgiveness of ourselves helps breed a deep acceptance of ourselves. If we can accept ourselves as we are - warts and all - day in & day out - we are on the way to health and wellbeing. Accepting ourselves opens up the road to change and growth. It also opens the way of accepting and forgiving others.

So how do we start to forgive? Forgiveness is sometimes an incredibly difficult thing. C. S. Lewis the writer of the Narnia stories said 'Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive.' Some people might need therapy or spiritual counselling to move forward. We will offer what hopefully will be a first step for everyday hurts and pains. We will probably find we won't be able to just turn on forgiveness like a tap. It is a process not a one off event. We can't force forgiveness. It is something we have to work through and grow in and through us. The thing we will need is to find is a relaxed state where the emotions are not running all over the place. That place can be obtained in a number of ways. The important thing is that we deeply relax. This needs to be a safe space where we feel at peace. We may benefit to have another person - someone we trust and like - present. This provides the space where a discussion can start about feelings and possible wishes for a different approach. Having the right space and place will nurture rational and forward looking approaches and hopes. To be a people of forgiveness is to be a people of freedom and peace. We all would like to be free and at peace with ourselves and others. Forgiveness is one of the keys that opens that door.

 Lisa Falkingham, Service Improvement Team, LCH  

John Walsh, York Street Health Practice, LCH